Blue Christmas
by LovinFace
Summary: Starsky has a hard time with the first holiday season after Terry's death.


Disclaimer: As always, I don't own 'em, even though they're on my Christmas list every year.

A/N: I have to say a special thanks to Shawne, who continually reminds me that just because it's cloudy, doesn't mean the sun isn't shining. And to Eli, Delia, Leapy, and Jan...thanks so much for your comforting words and strength.

Blue Christmas  
By LovinFace

David Starsky and Ken "Hutch" Hutchinson knew their parts and played them well. Starsky was impulsive, the one who could go from hot to cold in the blink of an eye, the one whose actions were more "ready, shoot, aim." Hutch was the "thinker," the one who saw the whole picture, the one with a plan, the one whose actions were "ready, aim, shoot." That is not to say that they were always this way. Hutch had a temper too, especially when the life of his partner was at stake. And Starsky could be tender and trusting to a fault.

During the Christmas season, Hutch was the Scrooge, and Starsky was Santa's #1 elf. So when Thanksgiving was over, Hutch prepared himself for the Christmas onslaught from his partner. He expected tinsel on the antenna, Rudolph hanging from the mirror, and the Star of David sliding across the dash. Starsk always started the season the day after Thanksgiving, without fail. Candy canes would be passed out at the office to get everyone in the spirit. Throughout the month of December, little gifts would be placed on various desks to those who needed an extra dose of Christmas cheer. The tag would always read "From Santa" but Hutch knew his partner was behind the gift giving. And just last year had had seen Starsky slipping candy cane money to Molly Edwards, had tricked Hutch into Christmas shopping, and had been "boom-boom-booming" Christmas carols until Hutch wanted to scream.

So Hutch was surprised the Friday after Thanksgiving when Starsky picked him up at his apartment and there was no whistling of Jingle Bells or a hand-scrawled Christmas list placed ever so covertly on his refrigerator. Instead, Starsky just asked, "You ready?" and had turned and bounded down the stairs, Hutch close behind. The blonde wondered what was going on in that curly head of his partner's, but didn't really worry until he saw the Torino. It wasn't decorated. No tinsel. No reindeer. No Star of David.

Starsky was already in the Torino watching as Hutch just stood on the sidewalk looking at his car.

"C'mon Blintz. We're gonna be late. You know how cranky Dobey is the day after Thanksgiving."

Hutch opened the car door and sat down, pulling the door closed. He turned to face his partner, who had started the car and was pulling out onto the street.

"You okay Starsk?" he asked, his voice laden with concern.

Starsky glanced at Hutch, then turned his eyes back on the road. "Yeah, I'm fine."

Hutch nodded. "Okay." But he didn't believe Starsky, not one bit.

XXXXXXXXX

The squad room was in the process of being decorated when Starsky and Hutch entered. Judy Kaplan, one of the file clerks, made her way to Starsky, green garland in one hand, gold in the other, and a silver Christmas bow plastered on top of her red hair.

"Hey Starsky, which one of these do you think would look best over the window?"

Starsky didn't even slow down. "I don't know. Just ask somebody else, okay?" he replied sharply as he walked to his desk.

Judy stood, a look of shock on her face. She looked at Hutch who merely smiled and pointed to the gold garland. "I like that one."

Judy smiled and left to gather tape and string and more decorations, but not before giving another bewildered glance to Starsky.

Hutch sat in his chair across his partner, who was seemingly going through a file, though not convincingly.

"Okay, Starsk, what gives?"

Starsky looked up, feigning innocence. "Whatta ya mean?"

Hutch sighed, picked up a pencil and started tapping it absently on the desk. "You know what I mean. You've usually got more Christmas spirit than Santa himself, and this year it's like you don't even care."

"I don't. So just drop it, okay?"

Starsky started leafing through the file again, wanting….needing this conversation to end.

"Starsky, I just—"

"I said drop it, Hutch." Starsky pushed his chair away from the desk and stormed out the squad room.

Hutch's first instinct was to get up and follow his partner, but he knew that Starsky just wanted to be alone, for whatever reason. Hutch had no choice but to wait it out, knowing that only when Starsky was ready to talk would he find out what was bothering his partner.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

The week passed by slowly. Starsky had seemed to fold in on himself emotionally, while Hutch watched and worried. Starsky wasn't meant to be quiet and withdrawn. He was supposed to be sarcastic, impulsive, annoying even….not sullen.

They were driving by a church the next Saturday when Starsky suddenly pulled to the curb. A bride and groom ran down the stairs, hands clasped together, trying to dodge the rice that was being thrown at them by well-wishers as they sprinted toward the car that announced proudly "Just Married."

A tear slid down Starsky's cheek and he made no effort to wipe it away. He just simply sat in the car, watching the couple as they stood outside the car. The groom kissed his bride before opening the passenger door and helping her inside. Then with a wave he got in the car and he and his bride drove off to start a new life.

"We would have gotten married in December." Starsky whispered, his eyes closed, another tear escaping from his eye.

"What?" Hutch turned to his partner. He didn't really know what to say, so he just reached out and placed his hand on Starsky's shoulder.

Starsky opened his eyes and turned toward his partner. "Terry and me. We would have been married in December." Starsky bit his bottom lip and looked out the window at the church. The wedding guests were starting to disperse.

"I didn't know that," said Hutch gently.

"Yeah," Starsky said, his voice thick with emotion. "Her sister sent me a letter Terry had written her not long after we started dating. She said…" Starsky's voice began to quiver, and he bit his bottom lip, trying not to cry. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue envelope, handing it to Hutch and then closing his eyes.

Hutch pulled out a piece of pink stationery, recognizing Terry's neat handwriting immediately.

_Sandy,_

_Remember when we were little girls and vowed that we would each marry a prince? Well, I met my prince. His name is David Starsky and though we've only been out a few times, I know that he's the one. He's a detective here in Bay City and he's so passionate about his job that even though I do worry about him, I would never ask him to leave the streets. Being a cop is his mission in this life. He has made a difference in so many peoples' lives. I'm just so proud of him. _

_Sandy, it's just so amazing to be with David. When he looks at me, he sees all of me. He is the most gentle, caring man I've ever known. And yes, before I go any further, he is handsome (I know you were wondering!). He has dark curly hair and the bluest eyes you've ever seen. And when he smiles, his eyes shine and I just fall in love with him all over again._

_Tonight David told me he loved me for the first time. My heart nearly jumped out of my chest I was so excited. So get ready, Sis. You know how I've always wanted a December wedding! I don't know when Dave will pop the question, but I know he will. We have connected on so many levels. He is my soul mate. I feel it and I truly believe he does too. I can't wait for you to meet him. _

_I'll talk to you soon!_

_Love you lots,_

_Terry_

Hutch folded the letter and slipped it back into the envelope, then offered it back to Starsky. Silence fell like mist and the men sat there, each lost in their memories of Terry.

Starsky spoke first. "I did ask her, you know. To marry me. She turned me down. Said we had to cherish every moment together, and that our souls were already one."

Hutch nodded but remained silent.

Starsky continued, "I just…everywhere I turn, I see couples holding hands, billboards advertising rings for that special someone, mistletoe, weddings." He gestured toward the church. "I just miss her so much, Hutch. I want her back. I want us to be married, to start a family, to have a life together. We should be celebrating our first Christmas together in a cozy little house with Christmas decorations, not in a cemetery."

Hutch reached out, returning his hand to Starsky's shoulder. His partner was quivering now, unable to hold the tears in.

"Starsky, you know if I could take this pain away from you I would. I feel so helpless. I want to fix this, I want to make things alright for you. But I can't." Hutch's stated in a shaky voice.

"I know."

"You know, Starsk, sometimes I wonder what my future with Gillian would have been like. Would we have married? I honestly don't know. I loved her, I really did, but we never made to the level that you and Terry did. I know Terry was the one for you. I knew it the first time I met her."

Starsky turned to face toward Hutch's, a slight smile inching up his face. "Really?"

"Yeah. You remember….I had just made it home from the hospital, was still in that horrible leg cast…."

Starsky grinned. "Yeah, and I thought I'd fix dinner for you and Terry."

"Yeah," Hutch laughed, "but you nearly killed us with the Tabasco sauce."

"Hey, it said 'shake vigorously' on the label."

"Maybe so, but I think you were supposed to shake it vigorously before opening it, not while you were adding it to the dish. Luckily, Terry noticed what you were doing and saved us." Hutch closed his eyes, relishing the memory.

"Yeah. So much for Chiang Mai Chicken. She ordered pizza and banned me from the kitchen for life." Starsky smiled.

"That's when I knew she was the one. She took you by the hand, pulled you out of the kitchen despite your protests, and plopped you on the couch beside me. You gave her the best pout you could muster, and she was immune to it. Said she was used to working with children." Hutch laughed again.

"Yeah." Starsky's smile faded, and he looked out at the church again. Only a handful of people remained, taking down the wedding decorations. "I miss her, Hutch. I miss her so much that sometimes I wish I had died too."

Hutch reached out, pulling Starsky's face toward his own. "That's not what she would want. And if you weren't here….well, as annoying and aggravating as you are…," Hutch rolled his eyes for emphasis, "you are the granite that bolsters my soul. Terry loved you. She was proud of you. And she would want you to remember her with joy."

A single tear slipped down Starsky's cheek. "I know that in my head, but my heart ain't quite up to that yet."

Hutch patted his partner's thigh. "Then we'll take it one day at a time, okay? Together."

Starsky nodded, started the car, and pulled out onto the street, as the church bells began to chime. After a few minutes, he spoke. "You know, I was kinda hard on Judy last week. Maybe we should stop by Gleason's, get her a little teddy bear or something from Santa."

Hutch offered his partner a slight smile. "Gleason's huh? You wouldn't be going to Gleason's because they also happen to have that new train set on sale, would you?"

"Hutch, I'm surprised that you would even think such a thing," Starsky stated emphatically, but grateful for the lightened mood.

"Yeah, I bet you are. Just drive, Gordo." Hutch retrieved his sunglasses from his jacket and slipped them on. Terry had entrusted Starsky to him. To love him and never let him change. It was a responsibility Hutch took to heart. He couldn't help but smile when he realized his partner was humming "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" softly. And he chuckled to himself, knowing that Starsky would have a Merry Christmas, he would see to that. After all, he'd already purchased the train set.

The End


End file.
